its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
