I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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