Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
