Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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