A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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