I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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