Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
