You really coming over, don't trick.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
