I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize