She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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