she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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