Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
