i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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