Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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