It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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