He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
