so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Well I just put wine in my tea
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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