his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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