When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
