So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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