Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
