Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
