My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
