I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
