my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
