she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
