i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
