Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Come share oat with me in your robe
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
