I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
