Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
