he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
