How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
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