mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the condom got lost in my hair
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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