maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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