I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
