Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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