So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
