cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
