How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
