She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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