Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
