Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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