You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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