I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
