I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
