I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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