my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Randomize
