so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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