I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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