I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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