you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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