Umm I'm too high to move.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
