the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
