just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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