then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
