Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
everyone is single if you try hard enough
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
