i used baking grease as lip gloss
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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