I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
